You ever have those nights where you constantly think about the past? Where you replay the mistakes you've made countless times in your head? Those are things I constantly think about. You think about the pain you gave to others, and yourself. You wish you could change what you did, but can't. Everyday those thoughts run through your head. You wish they could go away, but they never will. You fucked up, you admit it. You admit you fucked up when you're broken down, alone. When you're alone, you remember the most things you fucked up. You remember the times you fucked up as a kid, to the times you recently fucked up. You try to make excuses, but they eventually run short. You try to blame the other people more than yourself, but you know they weren't the only problem...Some people never own up to their mistakes, to their fuck ups...No one ever wants to admit they did something wrong. But you got to eventually, or you'll never have the closure you need to move on from the problem. I will admit that I've fucked up in life, and I'll never get to change those mistakes. I'll never get to see that person and say, "I fucked up...And I'm sorry...". That doesn't happen a lot in life; you want to apologize, but can't. The other person may move on without a care, but you will always be haunted from the fact that you made a mistake. I've fucked up friendships and a relationship. I tried to blame the other person more than myself. I was fucked up for that. When something ends, it is either both of your faults, or neither. Don't blame one party more than the other. I'm not a perfect person, I never was. I tried to act perfect, and all it ever did was push them away. I will swallow my pride and say that I fucked up. I will never get that chance to change what I did. When you're still hungover someone you thought you were better without, you know you fucked up. You thought it'd be for the best, and maybe it was in some ways. You grew up in ways without them, but you're still stuck on them. Your mind still wanders to the past, thinking about the good and bad times with that person. You stay up countless nights just wondering about them, like an idiot. You have dreams of wanting to fix things, but wake up to knowing that will never happen. That person was once your drug, and the longer the withdrawal, the more it hurts. You can't change what you did. I can't change what I did...So why does it still hurt? It should be done with, the feelings should just end. Two halves, that were once whole, are now broken strangers. I can't even understand myself, or my emotions. I think constantly about what I've done and if it was for the best, or if things would've gotten better if I stayed longer. I honestly don't know anymore. I fucked up my logic at the time, I hurt someone dear to me because of my confusion. I know I can never make that up to them, and that will forever haunt me. I wish I could say, "I'm sorry", a million times to that person. No matter what I say, it will never change what I did. I fucked up hurting that person, I fucked myself up for it too. I don't want to think about the pain anymore, or have the constant dreams about how I wish I could fix it with them. Nothing will change this time, game over. I am an imperfect person; a broken person who needs to understand their own instructions more. That person has probably moved on from me, forever. I am happy for them, they deserve to find the person who will treat them right. They deserve someone who will understand not to fuck up what they have. Some people can never say they want the person they love to love and be happy with someone else. When you have that person, and fuck up with them, they deserve better. They deserve the love they deserve with someone not broken or fucked up. We both destroyed each other in many ways. I have lost my chances, and will not beg for another. I will own up to my mistakes, and take this pain openly. I will let this pain break me. I need to admit my mistakes, even if others say I don't need too. I was not innocent, and need to admit that more. So I will rant, I will cry, and I will silently scream the pain away. It hurts a lot before it gets better. I will take my time to get over this pain, this guilt. I can't look back at something that will probably never happen again. You can't repeat the past, or fix it. I am an imperfect person, and will always admit that. So as I go through this pain, I will also be moving on. It hurts to move on, but it will make me stronger in the end. I have learned my lesson from my fuck ups, and I pray to never do them again. I will not act perfect, or hide myself from others. I will grow up and love myself. I will grow stronger so I can love better than before.