Ranting (ignore if you want)

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breebree223's avatar
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  Okay, sorry for bothering any of you people who read this, I just wanted to rant off some feelings to get them out of my chest. So today I finally decided to clean my room, not very big for some people but it is for me. I'm very lazy >.<' Either way, this is also a step for me in a way, since I'll be having to clean up what lingers here from my ex being here. It may be stupid, but I guess it's means a lot to me . I guess to me cleaning my room would make me have to face the past for a moment. At first I was fine, throwing trash away and reorganizing things, normal annoying stuff. Then I got to my ex's things...Looking at them made me smile a little bit, even the super small things. I promised myself I'd give her the things she wanted back, I was always too lazy to get to it before >.< I know, I'm horrible. Seeing her tongue piercing pieces in a little baggy made me think about when she got her tongue pierced. I remember how happy she was when she did it and she would keep showing the new pieces she'd get. I put the baggy down so I could clean everything else up, since later I'm going to pack everything (she wanted back from me) and send them to her. I feel bad not sending them for so long ;w; but I can't change it now. Then I got to the little nightstand by my bed. I cleaned the shelf up, and picked up a little box. I remembered that in that box was a note from our first Christmas together. She sprayed perfume on the note so it still smelled a little like her. The smell instantly made my eyes start to water, since I still remember it so well. I tried to ignore the feeling, since I didn't want to lose it. I put the box down (this is something I'm keeping. Whatever she gave to me is mine. I'm only giving her things she left accidentally) and looked over at a folder. She never wanted me to really look through her art folder, cause she got embarrassed. I smiled as I looked through her art, she's a really amazing artist. Then I noticed something folded in the very back, so I took them out and realized that they were pictures I made for her when we first started dating. As soon as I start to look through them, I broke down hard. It made me remember the joy of being with her. It made me remember her smile, her laugh, everything I loved about her. It made me remember how good it felt to see her everyday, to make her laugh and smile. I remember how hard it was to be with her, the pain I went through just to make her smile. I used to live through that smile. It brought back so many wonderful, yet painful, memories. I remember the breakups we had, and how badly they destroyed me...Just looking at those little pieces of papers made me face the fact of the pain from breaking up with her. I needed to leave for myself, since due to personal issues between us, it was destroying me as a person. I wasn't what she needed, and she wasn't what I needed. We weren't the same as we were before, we both changed and pushed away from each other. All we ever did was fight and the controlling was too much for me. I know what I did was the best for me, and for her since she needs to find someone who can give her what she needs. But I hid the pain by making happiness for myself. I worked on myself emotionally and mentally so I could better myself and want to live for another day. Of course she hated me for breaking up with her. She was going through a lot too with her personal life, but the fighting only got worse so I needed to leave. She tried to lash out at me out of hatred, but I accepted the anger she had for me. I let her call me names, insult me...Basically anything that would help her get over it. I won't lie, it hurt, but I refused to let it get to me. I learned to get stronger for myself through all the pain before, so I didn't really feel like anything at the time. I don't mind if she hates me honestly, It'll help her learn to get over me. I want her to move on and be happy, because she deserves it no matter what. I can't hate her though, she gave me so much. She let me know how it felt to be in love, she saved me from myself at a time, she made me learn how to love myself...She gave me so much and taught me so much, it's ridiculous. But she was my first love, and first girlfriend. I'm glad she was my first experience for everything, she was so worth all the pain. She was so worth the torture and pain. She gave me a happiness I never knew was even real. So I'm thankful that she was my first love...I remember trying to thank her for it, but of course she was pissed at me so I called a mistake. I can't blame her for being mad, even a few months after it's happened. I'm thankful to have had a friend and lover like her, even it was painful towards the end...But back to the present, I put the papers back into her folder and closed it. I know that today will be a painful day for me, I still can't stop crying. I'm such a baby ;w; I remember she wrote an entire notebook for me, which is by my bed still. If I read that entire thing, I'd probably never stop crying. I still remember how excited I was when she gave it to me. I hugged it the entire way back to the hotel me and my parents were staying at. when I read it the first time, I remember crying and thanking god that I found a wonderful girl like her. I don't think I could let myself read that notebook, it'd really hurt me right now. Even if I act strong, it still hurts to not see her anymore. When you were once addicted to a person like a drug, being without them can really kill you. But when that medicine is slowly killing you, you know that it's time to stop taking it. I keep thinking about her more and more lately, even having dreams about her. I worry for her and wish I could know how she's doing. All I ever seem to do is worry about her. She could be doing amazing right now, and If I knew that I could sleep peacefully at night. Even if she hates me, I'd still do anything for her. I guess that shows how much you love a person, even if you're hated by them. I've admit it to my friends, I miss her at times. But I won't let myself go back to her, even if she wanted me back. I need to keep moving on and become a better person. I need to live my life for today and not dwell on the past. I want her to do the same, and hopefully she will. I want us to both grow up more and become happy. I hope we'll both find our soulmates one day, and then look back at life and be thankful that we found each other at one point. I want to be a good memory to her, but I can't control her feelings and how she looks at me. I hope I can become a good memory for her one day, but if not, oh well I guess. Well, I should probably get back to cleaning...Thank you guys for listening to me, well if you took time out of your day to read this ^w^' And please, don't worry about me, I'll be okay. This is something I need to deal with, since I've yet to ever cry about our breakup. I've been hiding the feeling for too long, so it's good that i'm crying and remembering the good things. It's not good to bottle up your feelings, you need to feel the pain and accept it. I need to accept this pain and move on. I need to cry and let my pain out. So again, thank you for letting me talk about my feelings, I just wanted to let it out to someone. I doubt my ex will ever read this since she doesn't use this site. So I thought this site would be good for me to type my feelings out ^^
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sneezestorm's avatar
i'm doing great actually. yeah, not gonna lie i do hate you sometimes but im over you. it was good for me, you leaving. i'm happier than i ever was with you as horrible as it is to say. i go out with my friends almost every weekend, but i'm also a hardcore stoner. i got my first pipe a few weeks ago, it's a zelda pipe. i love it. i love my friends too. jordan, my nerdy best friend never fails to make me smile. sam, my redneck friend with one leg set me up on saturday. i gave some dude a handjob and a blowjob in the back of a movie theatre. i made him cum twice. i've found that i'm actually bisexual. i was afraid of admitting it before, because the world has such a negative view towards it. i've got this new motto now, i'll try anything once. i've changed so dramatically, i've actually even got a job. i work at a limousine company. my family is proud of me, and i love them because they're the only permanent thing i'll ever have in my life. i'm so much more relaxed, and frankly i'm a bit of a party animal. i love macklemore and getting my starbucks coffee. i mean sure, i get sad sometimes but im happy. i realized a few things too. your mind will suppress really horrible memories when you're young. my dad sexually abused me as a child, and my mom was the only safe zone i had. my sister got me a therapist, and i've begun to remember things, but i'm not going to let it get to me. it explains a lot though. i've been living with PTSD my entire life without realizing it. anyways, it made me smile a bit to read this, i dont even know what made me check your page, i barely think about us anymore. not after how much it hurt at the end. i dont regret us. i just regret having such an obsessive mindset when it came to you. it made me lose so much that i didnt have to. time with my mom, friends, even happiness. i wish you the best.